Shaded Heart

A violet sun shines deeply
revealing a heart of grey
that trades alcohol for oxygen
and chemicals for this blue blood.

Sadness marks my every breath,
and my seared lips speak only fear.
Blackened thoughts fill my mind;
these swollen eyes shed hope.

My skin knows no lover’s touch
and no siren songs ring these ears.
A dull moon rises in an empty sky,
signaling now the final hour.

Walking around the room again
Doing circles in my head
Forgot to eat today again
Wondering if I’m dead

Music playing loud again
Lyrics make me cry
Didn’t sleep another night again
No reason to try

Not picking up the phone again
It’s not you anyway
Writing in my book again
You’ll probably throw away

Crying all alone again
Nothing stops the tears
Dying all alone again
You are all my fears

In this deep and quiet suppression
I find myself alone with my thoughts
A matrix of burning emotions
Entangled in the thought of you

I’ve had my share of bad days
Paid in full with hate for you
You left me here without a reason
Your absence speaking all you felt

As my fall became sincere
I turned away from the pain
And thought I knew I’d be missed
I left with my final good-bye

Now that I’ve found another
You’re wanting back what you gave away
All we had and all we know
Lost in the memory of tomorrow

My hands become cold as I embrace loneliness
And I’m remembering every word you said
Every lie I believed foolishly
With your every synthetic emotion

My heart bleeds to this day for you
But your eyes are nowhere to be found
And you’ve fortified your heart against me
And you left me here to die all alone

I tried so hard to get you to stay
But by then you’ve run out of reasons
You are the first I really, truly loved
And I’m sorry now for this fact

So I’ll say “fuck you” and “good-bye”
Even though I’ll never forget you
And I blame myself for all of this
I should have never opened up

As I sit surrounded by strangers
A find myself dreaming of far away places
And wishing every breath wasn’t our last
Searching for an answer to an unknown question

I’m torn between these worlds
Of reality and surrealism
And I’m lost between you and me
Trapped within a void of hate

And I dare to dream of you
Your beauty hits me like the sun
Following even in my darkest recess
An image that is never gone

I cannot tell day from night
I drink the water that is sand
Slowly choking my love away
Until my heart stops beating

I turn to my enemies in disguise
And outreach my hand with a plea
And the silent condemnation tolls
And once again I am alone

I saw you again today
But I held my breath
Wanting to just hold you
But even that is wrong

Trying so hard just to say “Hello”
When every moment counts
And every actions screams
And every word has meaning

I’m forgetting your scent
Every curve of your body
The sound of your voice
The magic of your smile

And I woke up this morning
Knowing I was still alone
And that this day has come
The day I’ve always feared

You saw me again today
But you never uttered a word
Passed me by like a stranger
As if you’d forgotten my name

You won’t even say “Hello”
It doesn’t even matter to you
Instead you’ve gone to my best friend
And I’m hating every second

You’re remembering the days
When everyone was friends
And no hearts had been broken
No feelings destroyed

It’s amazing to discover
You can change our very lives
With a simple change of mind
And not even give a damn

I find myself lonely but not alone
Surrounded by pain and sorrow
Washing in a pool of self pity
Dirtied by a broken heart

Forbidden fruits encompass me
Tempting me with their beauty
Promising a fresh new life
So I hold them without tasting

Thoughts race through my mind
Memories and regrets I hold
Emotions distilled by hate
But I try not to fall down

The sun never did shine
Only light comes from within
But the night is suppressing
And I love and hate you

As I wade into deeper sorrow
My tears begin to drown me
And if these tears were yours
I wouldn’t mind death

Now I am lost to begin
And the oceans swell high
So I capsize my own boat
And my face pleads a resolve

I dreamed another dream of you
And I’m wondering what this means
Yesterday’s strangers brought together
Over something I have yet to define

I can picture you in my mind
Your smile beckoning me to come
Your eyes promising a new love
My feet are running, but heart delay

I think I need a friend right now
Someone to confide my fears to
Someone to hold when I’m alone
And thank you for being there