Shaded Heart

Splintered thoughts cannot express
the violence that powers these wounded hands.
As each twisted line slips away,
I am one awkward step closer to my fate.

Inside the wisdom of a tainted grape
I find no delusions, no distractions
from my malevolent realities. Instead
the pain ferments inside: a bitter crop.

Rage soothes me but does not satisfy
the lurid desires of a shaded heart;
as each blackened grain of time falls
that radiant desolation spreads further inward.

Listless nights drown me with a vast silence
and faded splendor of worlds unobtainable.
Here I live beneath a placid surface;
a cold and wavy face adrift in time.

My darkest hour was barely grey
compared to your incessant dismay.
I tried to help but you wouldn’t speak.
That fateful hour, your life so bleak.

You run away and still I follow.
You realize your life so hollow.
I wish I’d been there in your life
before you took that silver knife.

You took your own by my side.
The pain I felt I can’t confide.
I only hoped it was a dream.
I could not stop the bleeding seam.

When you died, so did I.
I did not realize my demise.
I follow you now to your grave,
for without you, there is no shade.

Breathe. Taking in the air
Silent intoxication here
Streaming through my veins
Bleeding out my tears
A forced sigh of discomfort

Speak. Nothing to be said
An evil silence spreads
Dying slowly to myself
Trying not to think aloud
Another second creeps on by

Feel. Numbness takes control
A pain that killed a soul
Escaping through my hands
Taping up the wounds
The dark consumes the fire

Die. Struggle for the life
This long and lonely strife
Crying to gods not there
Fearing what a moment brings
My heart never feels a beat

Thoughts of you are flashing past my eyes
There’s something here I failed to realize
I’m wondering if this is still the end
But just so you know, I’d do it all again

Your hair falls into place
And my heart starts to race
The smoothness of your skin
Won’t you smile at me again?

And the nights with nothing else to do
I only know I want to be with you
My mind is numb and I can never think
When your love is on the brink

I want to put this pain aside
I want to forget about your lies
I want to hear your voice again
I want to be with you again, again

Your hands run down side
Makes me feel so alive
When you smile up at me
There’s no where I’d rather be

Painful thoughts crash ashore
As feeling slowly erodes away
Every image burns into my mind
For fear this could be the last

Every kiss stings sweetly
And your words echo through caves
Filled with shadows and evil
Where light may never break

Streams of sorrow flow quietly
As the salt interests my lips
Defeat infests my very self
At the movement of your lips

An awkward smile makes charades
You kiss the hate away
And I’m gazing toward the stars
For some solace from another lost

Midnight air thickens and I struggle to breathe
Falling tears wash away the memories
And the sounding beat spells out pain
While every moment reminds me of you

My face hits my hands and I bury the thought
And I wish for a fire long since gone now
The cold is welcomed but now I’m freezing
And I yearn for a dry place to rest

Slowly the storms rise with eventual death
And the darkness eclipses your sun
So I gasp with fear and sigh a resolve
And I cry until the rain goes away

When the days become long and hot
And the sun again shows no mercy
The thought is burned into my head
The memory of my summer past

The painful ones I’d rather forget
These better ones I hardly know
My broken thoughts have pulled together
Time has slowly found its way

Well I bet you never understood
I’m guessing you were that blind
The things you did to kill my heart
When I needed you the most

The times when I would fight at home
Those days I bet you never cared
Did you care enough to look inside?
Pain was swelling in my eyes

My self had become lost in me
My soul had become unclear
Did you see the loss in me?
You never tried to help me find

When I only needed someone to hold
You went and ripped yourself away
When I was weak you struck me down
Did you ever even understand?

Even when I was falling after you
Did you catch me before I hit?
The nights I cried over my loss
I bet you never knew about those

But when I hit I stood right up
Hand by hand climbed out of pain
Now you want what you always had
What you selfishly gave away

I won’t let you drag me down again
I’m bruised but I’m not beaten
And this isn’t a hate letter, oh no
This is merely an explanation

These screams I hear inside my head
Sometimes make me see blood red
I’ve had enough, it’s too much pain
I think I might have gone insane

I only want to run away
To be with you all night and day
But I am trapped within this life
The bitter struggle, my painful strife

Yet when the rains and storms have cleared
I’ll be that man I’ve always feared
So now I watch for far away
I’ll be with you, some day

In hurt and fear my mind is caught
Up the volume to drown my thought
Though the sound burn my ears
It’s not enough to hide my tears

Your words can hurt like a knife
Your words make up my simple life
Was all I said lost in vain?
Are my actions consumed by pain?

Constant reminder of my mistake
This futile game which I partake
Can’t you let my errors go?
Maybe then you’ll start to know

History itself does not repeat
Our future now is not concrete
But the present is something I know
I’d love you if you’d let me show

I hope this feeling does not last
I hope someday you will contrast
You’re different and you know it too
I plan to see this one through

I’m leaving now
Time to say farewell
To the times we once had
And to my love

So broken-hearted
Where did I go wrong?
I never had you, did I?
It was just pretend

The pain is real, though
I’m seeing you everyday
And each glance hurts still
It makes me cry

This game is over
I’ve waited long enough
If you ever loved me
You would be back by now

When I am gone
You’ll be missing me
And I’ll miss you
Good-bye